As we ended 2018, I reflected much over the past year. But, the one question that kept surfacing in my mind was “what were the best ‘Florida Man’ headlines of the year?”

If you’re anything like me, you love ‘Florida Man’ headlines. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, here’s the deal: people from Florida are notorious for their loony escapades. ‘Florida Man’ headlines have become a classic source of mirth for many, so I have compiled a list for you of my favorite ‘Florida Man’ headlines of 2018.

‘Florida Man’ Tries to Buy Child at Walmart

I know that you can buy many important essentials at Walmart, but I’m pretty sure that children are not available for purchase.

Armless Florida Man Stabs Tourist With Scissors

He must be more adept with his feet than I am with my hands!

Photo by Nick Demou from Pexels

Loony Florida Man Tries to Set “The Jews” on Fire, Fails

Did he even have any Jews to set on fire to begin with?

Naked Florida Man Drinks 2 Liters of Vodka, Burns down House Baking Cookies on George Foreman Grill

You can make cookies on a George Forman grill??

Florida Man Says He Wasn’t Drinking and Driving Because He Only Drank at Stop Lights

Oh, well, if that’s how it works….

Florida Woman Mistakes 37 Week Pregnancy for Bad Chinese Food

es, I can see how it’s easy to mistake a person growing inside of you for over nine months with one night of bad Chinese food.

 

Nearly Naked Florida Man Breaks into Crocodile Pond, Gets Bitten, Leaves Croc Shoe Behind

Dramatic irony at its finest. At least the crocodiles have something to wear on their feet now.

Lemur Jumps out of Florida Man’s Car After Traffic Stop on I4 

But is the lemur ok?!

Florida Man Offers Undercover Cop a Hamburger in Exchange for Sex

Because that’s a fair trade.

Nearly Naked Florida Man Wearing Just Santa Hat & Boots Casually Shops at Walgreens

Who needs pants when you have a hat and boots? And it’s Santa hat and boots, so it’s clean!

Florida Man Kicked out of Library for Watching Virtual Reality Porn After Forgetting to Plug in Headphones

It’s a wonder to me that he didn’t realize that the sound wasn’t coming out of those giant headphones.

Florida Man Curious About Public Masturbation Says He Did It Because He’s Dumb

I guess we can find consolation in the fact that he’s self-aware.

Ballsy Florida Man Hides Sack of Weed Under His Testicles

I appreciate this reporter’s pun more than anything.

Naked Florida Man Breaks into Restaurant to Eat Ramen Noodles, Play Bongos

Noodles and bongos – what more could you ask for?

Florida Man Driving Car Full of Stolen Mail Crashes into Trailer Full of Alpacas

Only in Florida would you come across a trailer of alpacas.

Florida Man Shoves $100 of Iced Coffee in His Pants

I’m impressed by his ability to stand the cold.

Florida Man Hired on Thursday, Fired on Sunday, Tries to Kill Boss 2 Hours Later

This reporter sets up a great timeline for us.

Florida man grabs alligator, chases customers in store while on beer run 

Because what beer run is complete without chasing people with a live alligator?

Florida Man Steals Another Forklift Because He Was Tired of Walking

ANOTHER fork lift???

Florida Man Swings Anchor at Beachgoers Because They Ruined His Chicken

Chicken is serious business.

Florida Man Breaks into Home, Gets Naked, Cooks Spaghetti

Well, what else are you gonna do when you break into someone’s home?

Florida Man Pulled Over During Traffic Stop Claims Dog Was Driving

Right, because that’ll get you out of a ticket.

Florida Man Upset Over Low-Quality Meth, Calls Cops to Have Them Test it

Hey, you’ve gotta inform the police about false advertising!

Sweaty Florida Man Threatens to Kill Neighbors Because his Testicles Hurt

Everyone knows that killing your neighbors is the way to make your testicles feel better.

Florida Man Drives Stolen Car into Ditch, Has Diaper-Wearing Monkey Attached to Him

The important thing here is that the monkey was wearing a diaper.

Florida Man Hides Stolen Zoo Animals in His Apartment

I applaud him for his effort. It’s not easy hiding those zoo animals!

Florida Man Masturbates in Public, Tells Cops He’s Captain Kirk

Because it’s ok for Captain Kirk to do it.

Florida Man the Cause of 96 Million Spam Robocalls

As much as I hate robocalls, I’m curious as to how long that took him.

Florida Man Attacks With Ninja Sword Over Missing Socks

Hey, I’d get angry over missing socks also

Florida Man Attacks Gay Lover with Novelty Singing Fish

That’ll teach him!

And, my personal favorite….

Florida Man Foiled by His Own Pants, Trips over Them Running from Cops

Damn you, pants!!!! How could this completely attractive fashion statement betray me?

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