To be perfectly honest, I was not ready to have kids when I found out that I was pregnant.
My husband and I were not really trying for babies. At the time, we had been married for almost three years, and, despite my in-laws’ insistence to give them grandchildren as soon as possible, we chose to take it slow. We built our life as a couple, just the two of us. We traveled and had fun. Having a child was not on our minds.
Then, my period was late.
It was only late by about three days, but I had already felt different about my body at that time. I told my husband that maaaaaaybe… Maybe I was pregnant. I took a test and there they were: the two stripes on the stick. My emotions were mixed. I realized that I was not disappointed; in fact, I was thrilled. I knew that having a baby at that point of our life would change a lot of things; my husband was hired by a startup company a few months prior, but it was at another city, so we lived separately at that point. Even after I got pregnant, I was still living alone.
We faced quite a lot of challenges, but then the 40th week came, and, suddenly, it was time for the baby to arrive. But, there was one problem: the baby would not get into the birth canal. I ended up having to get a C section. It was not what I had planned. It left both a physical and a mental scar on me. I had to take care of my baby by myself while also recovering from a major surgery.
For the first few weeks, I experienced what they called as ‘baby blues’.
During night feedings, I kept thinking “Why the hell did I have a baby?” I cried a lot. Thank goodness it was just that, and did not grow into postpartum depression.
As the days passed by, I started to grow closer to my baby, and I fell more and more in love with her. She is such a sweetheart, always smiling and rarely crying. I used to think that I might not be able to have my old life after giving birth; turns out, I’m doing just fine. I still have a social life. I still go out and see my friends (at baby friendly places, of course).
Pregnancy and childbirth have changed my body and I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. But, my baby has helped me love myself again. I’ve realized that, right now, I’m her whole world. She loves me unconditionally, all of my flaws included. I feel so worthy and enough.
I guess what they say is true.
Having kids does change your life. And, thankfully for me, it has changed mine for the better. I’m so thankful for my baby.